Rachel Expectations and Leah Realities: Thriving in spite of Unmet expectations in Marriage Part 1
Leah and Rachel were introduced to us in Genesis 29:16 and 17. Rachel and Leah are two sisters who grew up and lived in the same home. Leah was older than Rachel, which means that for every Rachel, there is a Leah who has always been there, but we may choose not to see it. Rachel was everything desirable. She was beautiful, hardworking, friendly, hospitable. It is therefore no wonder that Rachel enamoured Jacob’s heart, and he loved her. He loved her so much that he was willing to pay the bride price of seven years annual salary! She was everyman’s dream of a good wife. She represents our desired future state in marriage and life in general.
Leah on the other hand was the opposite, undesirable with a facial deformity. She was obviously not out with the girls like Rachel was. She probably had issues of low self-esteem. She may have felt like she was a curse to the family for the Jews believe that when a child is born with a deformity it was a consequence for a sin in the family (John 9:2). She was everything nobody wanted and was easily ignored.
After seven years of hard labour that flew past like seven days (vs 20), Jacob was ready for his bride. With all the hopes and expectations that had built up over the years of their relationship he went in to the bridal chamber, to have the woman of his dreams delivered into his bosom. Into his bosom a woman was delivered quite all right… but instead of a dream it was a nightmare. The swindler was swindled! “Who are you?” He spoke. “Where is Rachel? Or Rachel, what happened to your eyes? Or is it mine?” Sheepishly Leah introduced herself to her bed mate as she wrapped her cloth round her after the night of ravished lovemaking. What? Jacob jumped into his clothes and dashed out to Laban his father-in-Law. Thank God guns were not yet invented and a club would have made too messy a job. “Why did you do this to me? I bargained for Rachel the beautiful. I worked and waited for Rachel the lovely. All my expectations were in Rachel the desirable… now I am stuck with Leah the ugly. My reality is different from what I expected from my wedding night…Laban how dare you?”
“Just a minute brother Jacob, before you tear Uncle Laban into pieces. Did you not realize that for all those years you were fixated on your beautiful Rachel, Leah has always been there in the corner. She was in the house, in the yard and in the kitchen but you never paid attention to her. All the warning signs of Leah would pop up from time to time but you ignored them because Rachel was your dream and expectation.”
What are we trying to say? Yes, the realities that show up later in our lives are telltale signs we ignored in our dreamy moments. What was seen as a love smack during courtship turned out to be a full-blown physical battering in marriage. A girl friend that was seen as being assertive with an independent mind turns out to be the controlling and opinionated wife. The boyfriend who was seen as a hardworking and industrious prince charming, who sent a gift and a card on your birthday and excused himself because he had to work late that night turns out to be a neglectful husband who is never home nor comes for the children’s school programs. The lady who was seen as being vocal, expressive, and well-articulated in speech is now the nagging and talkative wife. Jacob, Leah has always been there but you chose to see the Rachel side of life! What do you do when your Rachel expectations turn into Leah realities? What do you do when it looks like life swindled you in your marriage, on your job or your neighbourhood? Come along with me as we examine three principles deduced from the product of Leah and Jacob’s realities. Leah had seven children, what does seven mean? Perfection, out of imperfection, Leah the imperfect gave birth to seven children. Out of those seven children, I propose three of them as pillars to hold up your life from crumbling under the weight of disappointments in life. What do you do when you get to a point in your life that you realize that you have a Leah when you had Rachael’s expectations?
Judah: Praise
Judah was the fourth son of Leah. Prior to Judah, Leah had three other children whose names reflected her struggles and insecurity. The first was Reuben, “she said, the Lord has looked on my affliction. Now my husband will love me.” She probably hoped that Reuben would be a bribe for Jacob to love her because she felt unloved. The second son was called Simeon (Heard) “because the Lord has heard that I am unloved…” The naming of Simeon also indicated that Leah was still battling with feeling unloved by her husband. The third son was named Levi (Attached). He was another ray of hope out of her misery of rejection. She hoped that with three sons, Jacob would love, accept her and be attached to her. It did not happen.
Until now, Leah had been at a big pity party. All her focus and attention was on the task of making herself acceptable and approved by her husband. Day after day her hopes for admiration or a casual touch of affection was dashed. Probably the only time he touched her was when he did his expected “husband duties” of fathering children. In the midst of this she conceived again and had Judah (Praise) now she got it! She said, “Now I will praise the Lord” she probably came to a point in her life where she saw that her affliction did not go away with the birth of Reuben, Jacob did not pay attention to her after Simeon and neither did he attach to her after Levi. She might as well shift her focus to the God of Jacob, the One who is able to meet her heartfelt legitimate needs for love and acceptance. She chose to praise God! Judah! She said, in spite of her circumstance, in spite of her realities. In spite of the fact that beautiful Rachel was still a reminder of her ugliness, she chose to praise God.
What did Judah (Praise) accomplish?
Judah was the tribe that led Israel from encampments (Num 2:9, 10:14). It is no wonder that God chose the tribe of Judah to be the tribe that led whenever Israel moved from place to place. God planned it that when the enemy would overwhelm the children of Israel, like a flood, the Standard (Banner or flag) of Judah (Praise), which was the symbol of the lion, was encountered first. We are not talking about a cat, we are not talking about a cub, we are talking about majestic royalty. Praise leads the way to victory. In every situation of disappointment, praising God starts us on the journey out of misery. Praising God creates a private festival in the midst of misery. Leah’s circumstances did not change but she did. Her attitude changed when she chose to focus on God and not her imperfections.
Judah (Praise) was the first tribe that took possession of their allotted territory (Josh. 15:1; 19:51). Praising God in spite of our ‘Leah’ circumstances positions us to take possession of God’s promises. I propose that as Leah praised God, the radiance of heaven lightened up her face. Her facial deformity was covered by the glory of God. As she chose to behold God’s glory and praised the beauty of holiness, she was transformed. Jacob probably started to notice that there was beauty in this Leah. All she had been longing for was now given to her. Out of Judah came forth kings and conquerors. Promises of our inheritance actualize faster in an atmosphere of praise. How come? When we praise God, He inhabits our praise and He fights for us. When God fights, He wins! (Ps 22:1, Exo.14:14)
Judah (Praise) became the largest tribe in Israel (Josh 15:1,19:9 see Easton Bible dictionary). Out of Leah, the symbol of ugliness, bad news and disappointment came seven children. That was over 50% of the offspring of Jacob. Also out of the twelve tribes, Judah (Praise) had the largest number of people and probably the largest geographical area. Praising God positions us for increase and abundance. Psalm 67:5-6 “Let the peoples praise You, O God; Let all the peoples praise You. Then the earth shall yield her increase; God, our own God, shall bless us.” When Jesus praised and gave thanks to God over what was grossly inadequate, the 2 fish and five loaves of bread increased and multiplied to feed over 5000 people. I encourage you to find a reason to give thanks and praise God in the midst of shattered dreams and disappointments and watch what God will do.
Judah (Praise) Rules. Jacob prophesied of Judah and said, “The scepter shall not depart from Judah, nor the ruler’s staff from between his feet (descendants), Until Shiloh comes, And to him shall be the obedience (tributes) of the peoples.” (Gen. 49:10). Also, “Judah, you are he whom your brothers shall praise; Your hand shall be on the neck of your enemies; Your father’s children shall bow down before you. (v8) It is no wonder that that the most powerful kings of Israel, David, Solomon, Jehoshaphat, Hezekiah etc came from the tribe of Judah. Producing praise positions a child of God to reign and be in authority. The attitude, posture, and activities of praise in the midst of disappointments, puts the hand of a Christian on the neck of their enemy. It strangulates life out of what is meant to hurt us and sets us free.
What does it mean to us that Leah gave birth to Judah and how does Judah help us to overcome pain and disappointment in our lives?
Praise must fill our homes; praise must not be lacking. Praise of whom? Praise of God. The Psalmist said, “Bless the LORD; Oh my soul And all that is within me, bless His holy name! Bless the LORD, O my soul, And forget not all His benefits: Who forgives all your iniquities, Who heals all your diseases, Who redeems your life from destruction, Who crowns you with loving-kindness and tender mercies, Who satisfies your mouth with good things, So that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s (Psalm 103:1-5). You bless the Lord for all that you have and not what you don’t have. You are blessing the Lord for all the benefit, you are worshiping God, you are choosing to take your eyes from the temporary thing, to look into the spiritual realm, to look at solutions.
David said, “I will lift up my eyes to the hills, from where comes my help? My help comes from the Lord who makes the heaven and the earth… He will not allow my foot to slip… the keeper of Israel” worship Him, worship publicly, worship Him privately, dance before your God in your house, the fact that you don’t have enough money, the fact that you are quarreling with your wife, the fact that you are biting at your husband, the fact that your children are acting crazy… all of these should not take praise away from your home. “I will bless the Lord at all times, His praise shall continually be in my mouth”
“It’s not only God that you praise, praise your spouse,”
Praise the people in your life. Find something good in the Leah situation; don’t just focus on the cross-eye. Think about this: Girlfriend as cross-eyed and as ugly as she was, gave birth to 7 children! There was something she knew how to do. She could make babies. Look at your ‘Leah’ and praise her. Do not focus on her wrongs, I’m sure there is something that they are doing right, and once you discover that, begin to praise them for it. Whatever you ‘praise’ over multiplies.
Even if you feel disappointed and things are not going on right, look for what is going on right; if you can’t find it, ask God to open your eyes (2Kings 6:15-17). For every Leah, there is a Rachel and for every Rachel there is a Leah, there is something beautiful about that situation, about that person, yes you may have entered into it blindly and the reality has shocked your eyes open. There is something multiplying and fruitful in your life that must be acknowledged, a Leah to praise. Do not roll over and die! Give birth to Judah (Praise)!
LEVI
Before Judah (Praise) was Levi. Levi means attached, connected, committed. This implies a stay-with-it-ness to relationships. A commitment that says you are in for the long haul with the back door closed. One may not always have the cozy feelings of love but true love is a commitment to be devoted to a person regardless of what they do or how you feel.
I love my husband dearly but there are times I don’t feel that love and I may even feel irritated by him. There are times that he also feels that way about me, but we know it is not always about feelings. Feelings are informed by thoughts. Feelings are not facts and they are transient. You can feel anything for anybody.
Commitment and attachment are the virtue that is demonstrated over a long period of time even when the love cannot be reciprocated. The story is told of an elderly couple who had been married for many years. The wife was in the final stages of Alzheimer and had no knowledge of who the husband was. Yet the husband lovingly cared for his wife daily. Bathing her, combing her hair, feeding her, and just making her comfortable. A friend of the family then asked him why he was doing these things even when the wife did not recognize him, appreciate nor reciprocate all he was doing. The husband softly said, “she may not know who I am or whom she is but I know who I am and who she is.” That is commitment right there. When you are having Leah experiences in life, one of the first things to be tested is the level of commitment. Jesus asked his disciples when the going was getting rough, “Will you also leave?” (John 6:67) He confirmed His commitment to us by saying, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” Even when we turn ‘Leah’ on Him we are not to abandon our life projects be it marriage, career or business just because of unmet expectations and disappointments.
However, if one is in an abusive relationship where life and safety is threatened, it is advisable that a person physically separates from the dangerous environment and seeks for help. God set up six cities of refuge for the children of Israel that were in close proximities to the tribes for the purpose of safety as an interim measure of protection against unjust physical assaults. Thus, a person who feels in danger may run there and be safe till the case can be judged. (Numbers 35:15)
You don’t have to stay in a relationship physically where your life is in danger,
You need to stay alive so that God can work through you. You do not have to be the first to initiate divorce but may be separated for safety reasons. The bible does not endorse domestic violence, neglect or abuse. Anyone who does these things is not taking care of his/her family and is worse than an infidel (unbeliever) (1Timothy 5:8)
Levi was the tribe that God chose to be the priests. (Num 18:2,21) Levi also calls for priestly duties in our homes. The roles of intercession, confession, and forgiveness come with Levi.
You really don’t know true intercession until you are in pain,
John Maratori once said, “you really don’t know true intercession until you are in pain,” You don’t know what it feels like to agonize in prayer until something is biting you. As a minister, I interceded for people, prayed for women who had problems with children, with all of enthusiasm. However, the intensity and effectiveness of my intersession became higher when I started facing challenges with my own children. I knew experientially what it meant to receive phone calls from the police concerning my own child. I could pray a mother through feelings of shame because I knew what it meant to sit in front of a Judge because of my child and not in my professional duties as a Social Worker.
We may not know what to say or how to say it but the “ Holy Ghost prays for us with groaning that cannot be altered” (Rom 8:26) God understands the tears of the broken heart of parents. He sees the scars on the heart of wounded spouse. When you are shocked into the reality of the ugliness of Leah instead of all things bright and beautiful as expected in Rachel, pray. James 5:13 “Is anyone among you suffering? Let him pray.” Pray for that situation, pray for your husband, pray for your wife, intercede on their behalf, whatever that situation is that is causing you pain That is making you feel like you have been shortchanged, lift it up unto God. Keep on praying and do not give up. Do not be anxious about anything but with prayer and thanksgiving; make your requests to God (Phil 4:6). That is what Zechariah and Elizabeth did. As a young couple, they came into their marriage with the hope of having children but now in old age, they were faced with the reality of no one to carry forward the family name. What a Leah! Yet Zachariah continued to minister to the Lord as a priest and prayed for his wife. He knew that the problem was with Elizabeth (Luke 1:7) He did not blame her, reject her, or take another wife. He ‘Levied’ her. He stayed committed and interceded. God heard and answered his prayers. Fathers and husbands, you are priests, keep on praying, keep on interceding., when husbands pray in their role as priests, heaven listens.
Issachar: “Hire” (Easton Bible Dictionary) A hired workman.” (ISBE Bible Dictionary)
The circumstances that led to the conception of Issachar, the fourth son of Leah, the 9th son of Jacob gives us another glimpse to the family dynamics of Jacob, Rachel and Leah. Gen 30 tells the story of how Reuben, had mandrakes (The pale orange fruit of the Mandragora officinarum, a member of the Solanaceae or potato order. Popularly called “love apple” because the narcotic plant was well known as an aphrodisiac by the ancients. For obvious reasons, Rachel wanted some of the mandrakes since it was her turn to try again with Jacob but Leah ‘hired’ that spot from Rachel with the mandrakes and she went into the bedroom with Jacob. Along came another bouncing baby boy, Issachah, Leah exclaimed. He is my hire. What a life! Without teasing out the melodrama implied in this event, I want to key into the concept of hiring.
If you find your self in a situation where you are unable to cope with the demands of life, it is okay to hire some help. It may be necessary to hire a professional for counsel or therapy. If your Leah reality is the inability to cook or clean up the house, hire a cook or a housekeeper. No apologies. Sometimes the busyness of my schedule demands that I get some help in ensuring that my family is well fed. I have had to hire other people to cook meals that that I store up in the freezer. I have used the help of a housekeeper from time to time.
As a young wife, the Rachel expectations were that I wash and Iron my husband’s shirts. While that is quite romantic and virtuous when it happens, now my husband appreciates having his shirts crispy clean, ironed and ready by a professional laundry man. He has had near misses of appointment because his lovely but busy wife was unable do the laundry. It does not take away from who you are as a wife or husband. There are husbands who hire the help of a professional florist who will pick out the flowers and remembers to deliver on the wife’s birthday or wedding anniversary; and guess who gets all the “sweets” for being so mindful and thoughtful? The husband of course.
Issachar gives us the permission to get the legitimate help that we need to make our life’s realities a little more doable.
The tribe of Issachar was also a tribe that was known for their impeccable timing and sensitivities. “From the tribe of Issachar, there were 200 leaders of the tribe with their relatives. All these men understood the temper of the times and knew the best course for Israel to take. God ordered it that in the national processions, after Judah (Praise) comes Issachar (sensitivity to tempers and doing the right thing). Timing is key when dealing with tough situations in life. It could be dangerous to bring up the topic of going for a vacation in Hawaii on the day a husband just got fired from a job. Nerves may snap if a wife who just got another negative pregnancy test after 10 years of fertility treatment is asked to help pick out baby clothes for the 5th child of her sister-in-law. While they may have prayed, praised, and believed God for answered prayer, some moments are just too raw to rub the salt of insensitive or ill-timed comments. Dealing with Leah realities requires the tactfulness and sensitivities that Issachar symbolizes.
